Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
The night before Y2K...
'Taws the night before Y2K,
And all through the nation
We awaited The Bug,
The Millennium sensation.
The chips were replaced
In computers with care,
In hopes that old' Buggy
Wouldn't stop there.
While some folks could think
They were snug in their beds
Others had visions
Of dread in their heads.
And Ma with her PC,
And I with my Mac
Had just logged on the Net
And kicked back with a snack.
When over the server,
There arose such a clatter
I called Mister Gates
To see what was the matter.
But he was away,
So I flew like a flash
Off to my bank
To withdraw all my cash.
When what with my wandering eyes
Should I see?
My good old Mac
Looked sick to me.
The hack of all hackers
Was looking so smug,
I knew that it must be
The Y2K Bug!
His image downloaded
In no time at all,
He whistled and shouted,
Let all systems fall!
Go Intel! Go Gateway!
Now HP! Big Blue!
Everything Compaq,
And Pentium too!
All processors big,
All processors small,
Crash away! Crash away!
Crash away all!
All the controls
That planes need for their flights
All microwaves, trains
And all traffic lights.
As I drew in my breath
And was turning around,
Out through the modem,
He came with a bound.
He was covered with fur,
And slung on his back
Was a sackful of virus,
Set for attack.
His eyes-how they twinkled!
His dimples-how merry!
As midnight approached, though
Things soon became scary.
He had a broad little face
And a round little belly,
And his sack filled with virus
Quivered like jelly.
He was chubby and plump,
Perpetually grinning,
And I laughed when I saw him
Though my hard drive stopped spinning.
A wink of his eye,
And a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know
A new feeling of dread.
He spoke not a word,
But went straight to his work,
He changed all the clocks,
Then turned with a jerk.
With a twitch of his nose,
And a quick little wink,
All things electronic
Soon went on the blink.
He zoomed from my system,
To the next folks on line,
He caused such a disruption,
Could this be a sign?
Then I heard him exclaim,
With a loud, hearty cry,
Happy Y2K to all,
Kiss your PCs good-bye!
After buying a used car
After buying a used car the pollock asked his wife to make sure that the
blinkers worked correctly. He got in, turned them on and asked her if they
were working. She replied, "YES NO YES NO YES,......"
Sexual request
Olga, the Danish chambermaid at the Catskill mountain hotel, was constantly being chased by Hirshberg, one of the guests. Every time he got near her, she ran away from him.
One day he grabbed the pretty Dane and whispered his sexual request in her ear.
To his amazement, she agreed to meet him in his room that night.
"If you're willing," said the man, "why did you keep running away from me?"
"Well," said the Danish girl, "all time I tink you vant extra towel!"
Submitted by Clark Kent
Edited by Curtis
A young West Virginian girl
A young West Virginian girl wanted to go to college at UVA. But her father
said "No way! You're going to By-God West Virginia Univ."
Well, she got her way and she went to UVA. The first semester went by, and she
wrote home that she was getting married, to a man from Richmond, VA named
Clarence. Her father said "I'll be damned if my daughter is marrying a man from
Richmond, you're marrying a By-God West Virginian boy," so he sent his two sons
to UVA to get their sister.
In a couple of days they returned. The confused father asked, "Where is your
sister?"
They replied "We were almost there Dad, but we got to this overpass with a
sign that said 'Clarence 13'6'' so we turned around and drove the hell out of
there!"
Your teeth so yellow that when you go to church...
Your teeth so yellow that when you go to church the priest said LET IT SHINE LET IS SHINE!!!!!
Q: How many running-dog
Q: How many running-dog lackeys of the bourgeoisie does it take to change a light bulb?A: Two. One to exploit the proletariat, and one to control the means of production!
Men
Man to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God to Man: "So you would love her."
"But God", Man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God replies: "So she would love you."
God created man before creating woman, because you need a rough
draft before creating a masterpiece.
Diamonds are a girl's best friends.
Dogs are man's best friend.
So which is the dumber sex?
Single women complain that all good men are married, while all
Married women complain about their lousy husbands. This confirms
that there is no such thing as a good man.
Ever notice how many of women's problems can be traced to the
male gender?
MENstruation
MENopause
MENtal breakdown
GUYnecology
HIMmorrhoids
What's the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds mature.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.
How are men like noodles?
They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need
dough.
Why do men like BMWs?
They can spell it.
What do an anniversary and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
Why are men like popcorn?
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Why are men and spray paint alike?
One squeeze and they're all over you.
Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Why is food better than men?
Because you don't have to wait an hour for seconds.
Why do so many women fake orgasm?
Because so many men fake foreplay.
Why do men like frozen microwave dinners so much?
They like being able to both eat and make love in under 5
minutes.
Why would women be better off if men treated them like cars?
At least then they would get a little attention every 6 months
or 10,000 miles, whichever came first.
What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second
date?
Slow.
What is the difference between men and pigs?
Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
The Kids, The Bike and the Fridge
Q. Why did the kid fall off his bike?A. Because someone threw a fridge at him.
You might be a college student if . . .
31. If you wear a sweat suit for so long that it stands up by itself
Three convicts were on
Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were
each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy
their time while incarcerated. On the bus, one turned to
another and said, "So, what did you bring?" The second
convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he
intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become
the "Grandma Moses of Jail". Then he asked the first, "What
did you bring?" The first convict pulled out a deck of cards
and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker,
solitaire and gin, and any number of games." The third convict,
who was a Vol fan, was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The
other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What
did you bring?" The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He
said "I brought these."
The other two were puzzled and asked - "What can you do with
those?" He grinned and pointed to the box and said - "Well
according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming,
roller-skating...."
Jack And Jill
Jack and Jill have been married for many years they have gone up
and tumbled down that very hill for many years too. One day Jill
started to go up the hill by herself and while Jack was going up
she would tumble down by herself. Jack got really frustrated and
decided to confront Jill about something he had discovered, he
said,
Jill I know you have been cheating on me with Fill, thats why
you keep going up that hill without me.
Jill turns to Jack and says, Thats not why i stopped going up
the hill with you Jack.
Jack: It is'nt?
Jill: no no no silly, its just that Fill said he could only bear
to take so much of you during the days that he coudnt possibly
take you in the nights too.
Want Ads- Illiterate?
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3. Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
4. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
5. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
6. Stock up and save. Limit: one.
7. Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
8. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
9. Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
10. Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
11. Dinner Special -- Turkey $2. 35; Chicken or Beef $2. 25; Children = $2.00
12. For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
13. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
14. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
15. For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex. Great Dames for sale.
16. Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
17. Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it.
18. Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.
19. Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
20. For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
21. Man, honest. Will take anything.
22. Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.
23. Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
24. Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.
25. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
26. Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
27. Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
28. And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
29. We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
30. Free Beer!!. Tomorrow!
A lawyer's dog, running about
A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, b-lines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, ''if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?''
''Absolutely,'' the lawyer responded.
The butcher immediately shot back, ''Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning.''
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99. A few days later, the butcher, browsing through his mail, finds an envelope from the lawyer.
The contents read ''Consultation: $25.00.''
Medical Mistatements
The following statements were found on patient's charts during a recent review of medical records. These statements were written by various health care professionals including (we're afraid) a doctor or two at several major hospitals:
- "The lab test indicated abnormal lover function."
- "The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately."
- "Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized."
- "The skin was moist and dry."
- "The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch."
- "She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce."
- "The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed."
- "I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy."
- "The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week."
- "Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles."
- "Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation."
- "She is numb from her toes down."
- "Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot."
- "While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as stockbroker instead."
- "Coming from Detroit, this man has no children."
- "When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room."
- "Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress."
Wedding practical joke
Do you already have a child?During the wedding ceremony, when the minister/preacher/priest comes to the part about, "If anyone has any reason why these two people should not marry, speak up now or forever hold your peace..." have this four-to-six year old boy running up the aisle yelling, "Daddy, daddy." I understand from a friend who played this joke on a relative that it took almost an hour to get the wedding started again.
Cuatro hormiguitas se reunieron en
Cuatro hormiguitas se reunieron en un ba�o para elegir el sitio donde dormir.
Una dice: "mira, t� te vas a la ducha, t� a la toalla y yo me ir� al inodoro �Listo?"
Al otro d�a, le preguntaron a la de la ducha:
"�C�mo dormiste?"
"No pude dormir, me mojaron, me echaron agua caliente y agua fr�a".
Le preguntaron a la de la toalla y esta respondi�:
"Tampoco pude dormir, me tiraron al suelo, se secaron conmigo y me mojaron".
Le preguntaron al la del inodoro y ella dijo:
"Yo peor, hubo truenos, rel�mpagos y si no fuera por los tronquitos me ahogo".
The Top 15 Indications That Military Intelligence May Be Suspect
15> It seems pretty far-fetched to classify a 7-Eleven as an "enemy stronghold."
14> Amount of new messages always seems to increase just after dinner at a local Chinese restaurant.
13> The person calling into headquarters claims to be "Major Dick," then breaks down giggling.
12> They've just proudly informed you that they're closing in on Saddam Hussein.
11> "It appears to be the work of Ali al-Plisskin." "Al-Plisskin? I thought he was dead!"
10> Field maneuvers identification manual AHG-412, "Ass vs. Hole in Ground: Distinguishing Characteristics," clocks in at over 400 pages.
9> The latest report from Afghanistan: Osama bin Laden is hiding in the conservatory with a candlestick.
8> The map of Iraq you've been handed shows a large orc settlement just north of Baghdad.
7> Sealed dossier clearly marked "CONFIDENTIAL," "CLASSIFIED," "FOR YOUR EYES ONLY," "SWAK" and "XOXOXO."
6> The CIA just obtained a purchase order for 500 pair of flame-retardant pants.
5> Latest high-definition satellite photos of the insurgent stronghold Samarra show clearly-defined subdivisions of Main Street, Fantasyland, Tomorrowland, Adventureland, Frontierland and New Orleans Square.
4> They report "increased dental chatter" during periods of very cold weather.
3> Recon photos of alleged foreign operative "Jaylo Butay" are regularly found in insecure locations such as bathrooms and barracks.
2> Hidden somewhere in every report: "olin-Cay owell-Pay is an ussy-pay."
1> The latest U.N. weapons inspectors' discovery confirms military intelligence's worst fear: oxymoronium.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
Sudden Change In Fashion
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a somewhat conservative fellow, so naturally he's curious about the sudden change in fashion sense. The man walks up to his co-worker and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.
"Well, I'm curious," begged the man, "how long have you been wearing an earring?"
"Er, ever since my wife found it in our bed."
Things you'll NEVER hear one woman say to another
That swimsuit really flatters your figure! Would you mind keeping
my husband company while I go for a swim?
Oh, look, that woman and I have the same dress on! I think I'll go
introduce myself!
His new girlfriend is thinner and better-looking than I am, and I'm
happy for them both.
If he doesn't let me hold the remote, I get all moody.
He earned more than I do, so I broke up with him.
I'm sick of dating doctors and lawyers! Give me a good old-fashioned
waiter with a heart of gold any day!
We're redecorating the bedroom, and he keeps bugging me to help him
with the color choices!
He talks our relationship to death! It's making me crazy!
Why
I just realized -- my butt doesn't look fat in this -- my butt *is* fat!
Politically Correct Alphabet
A is an activist itching to fight.
B is a beast with its animal rights.
C was a cripple (now differently abled).
D is a Drunk who is "liquor-enabled."
E is an Ecologist who saves spotted owls.
F was a Forrester, now staffing McDonald's.
G is a Glutton who says he's "food-centered."
H is a Hermaphrodite skirting problems of gender.
I is an "Ism" (you'd better believe it).
J is a Jingoist - love it or leave it!
K is a Kettle the pot can't call black.
L is a Lifestyle not bound to the pack.
M is a Mindset with bias galore.
N was a Negro, but not anymore.
O is an Oppressor, devoid of self-love.
P is the Patriarchy (see "O" above).
Q is a Quip that costs someone a job.
R is the Reasoning done by a mob.
S is a Sexist, that slobbering menace.
T is a Teapot that's brewing a tempest.
U is for Umbrage at the slightest transgression.
V is a Valentine, tool of oppression.
W is for "Woman," however it's spelled.
X is a chromosome we share in our cells.
Y is a Yogi for the easily led.
Z is a Zombie, the differently dead
Sisters of Mercy
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It says, 'Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution 15 km'.
He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign that says, 'Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution 8 km' and realizes that these signs are for real. When he drives past a third sign saying, 'Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution Next Right' his curiosity gets the better of him and he pulls into the drive.
On the far side of the parking lot is a sombre stone building with a small sign next to the door saying, 'Sisters of Mercy'.
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you, my son?'
He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business.'
'Very well, my son. Please follow me.'
He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'
He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup.
This nun instructs, 'Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway.'
He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup.
He then trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another small sign.
'Go in Peace. You Have Just Been Screwed by the Sisters of Mercy.'
Multi-syllable words
Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
Little Johnny waves his hand, "Me, miss, me, me!"
Teacher says "All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?"
Little Johnny says "Mas-tur-bate."
Teacher smiles and says "Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful."
Little Johnny says "No, miss, you're thinking of a blowjob.
I'm talking about a wank."
Buy Curtains
Having been married ten years and still living in an apartment, the wife would often complain about anything, as she was tired of saving every penny to buy a "dream home".
Trying to placate her, the husband found a new apartment, within their budget. However, after the first week, she began complaining again.
"Joel," she said, "I don't like this place at all. There are no curtains in the bathroom. The neighbors can see me every time I take a bath."
"Don't worry." replied her husband. "If the neighbors do see you, they'll buy curtains."
Weird Sayings
The best things in life are very expensive.
Good things come to those who are first in line.
The best time to do something is when its too late.
Friends with connections are your best bet for a job.
(All jokes used with permission of Joke Planet. No portion may be reproduced with the exception of the reciever of this data.)
You are next !
A Blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so She goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blond is angry, She opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells "No, honey, don't do it." The blond replies "Shut up, you're next."
Yo momma
yo momma so fat she jumped in the ocean and all the whales started singing "we are family" writin by hannahwhittiker2003 an victoriawhittiker2004
List of Short Books
1) A Guide to Arab Democracies 2) A Journey through the Mind of Dennis Rodman 3) Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean 4) Career Opportunities for History Majors 5) Contraception by Pope John Paul II 6) Detroit - A Travel Guide 7) Different Ways to Spell "Bob" 8) Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches 9) Easy UNIX 10) Bulgarian Tips on World Dominance 11) Everything Men Know About Women 12) French Hospitality 13) Bob Dole: The Wild Years 14) How to Sustain a Musical Career by Art Garfunkel 15) Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette 17) Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA 18) Popular Lawyers 19) Staple Your Way to Success 20) The Amish Phone Book
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Va Samuel al Banco Israelita
Va Samuel al Banco Israelita y se acerca al cajero.
"Buenos d�as Samuel", lo saluda el cajero atentamente.
"Buenos d�as. Vengo a sacar un cr�dito de un dolar."
"�Un dolar? Pero Samuel, le retiro esa cifra de cualquiera de sus cuentas o inversiones y solucionado el problema."
"No... yo quiero un d�lar de cr�dito a pagar en un mes. Si no da cr�dito Samuel retira inversi�n, retira dinero, retira joyas, retira todo."
"Pero no Samuel, no es para tanto, si usted quiere el cr�dito se lo damos." (y le acerca los papeles para que los firme).
"�Cu�nto es inter�s?"
"3% Mensual."
"Est� bien, pero quiero dejar en garant�a de pago mi BMW."
"No Samuel, no es necesario, con sus cuentas es m�s que suficiente."
"Si no deja mi BMW de garant�a, retira inversi�n, retira dinero, retira joyas, retira todo."
"Est� bien Samuel, puede dejar su BMW en garant�a en la b�veda del Banco hasta dentro de 30 d�as."
"�Perfecto!"
Vuelve Samuel a su casa y le dice a su esposa:
"�Ruthie, Ruthie, ya podemos tener vacaciones tranquilos, consegu� estacionamiento por $1,03 el mes completo!"
Question and answer blonde joke
Q: What is the blonde's highest ambition in life?A: They want to be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.
Pulled over.
A driver was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car.
"What are those for?" she asked suspiciously.
"I'm a juggler," the man replied. "I use those in my act."
The officer wanting to be sure so he asked "Please step out of the car and show me."
So he got out with the machetes and started juggling them, first three, then more, finally seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer.
Another car passed by. The driver did a double take, and said, "My God. I've got to give up drinking! Look at the tests they're giving now!"
You think the blood on
You think the blood on the front of your pickup truck looks cool.You think the blood on the back of your pickup truck looks cool.Your pickup truck no longer has a back.
We won't know
A couple who were having trouble having a baby went to see a doctor. The
doctor gave him a revolutionary new injection made from monkey glands, which
worked perfectly. Nine months and two weeks later, his wife had a baby. When the
nurse came out of the delivery room with the news, he asked, "Is it a boy or a
girl?" - "We won't know until it comes down off the light fixtures."
Two bumble bees ran into each other one evening....
Two bumble bees ran into each other one evening. They hadn't seen each other
in quite some time.
"Hey you look great!" said the first.
"Thanks."
"I mean you look really great. Your black band are nice and dark,
your yellow stripes are bright and clean. What's your secret?"
"I've taken to hanging out at Bar Mitzvah's. They have lots of great
flowers, it's the best source of pollen I've ever seen."
"What's that on your head?"
"It's a yamalke, I don't want them to think I'm a WASP."
Mother in law jokes
I know a mother-in-law who sleeps in her spectacles, the better to see her son-in-law suffer in her dreams. - Attributed to Ernest Coquelin However much you dislike you mother-in-law you must not set fire to her. - Ernest Wild Distrust all mothers-in-law. They are completely unscrupulous in what they say in court. The wife's mother is always more prejudiced against the husband than even the most ill-treated wife. If I had my way, I am afraid I would abolish mothers-in-law entirely. - Sir Geoffrey Wrangham Behind every successful man stands a devoted wife and a surprised mother-in-law. Adam and Eve were the happiest and the luckiest couple in the world, because neither of them had a mother-in-law. Sometimes you cannot tell if a man is trying so hard to be a success to please his wife or to spite his mother-in-law. Does it really surprise anyone that Mother-in-Law's Day occurs less than one week before Halloween? My mother-in-law was bitten by a dog yesterday. How is she now ? She's fine. But, the dog died. Hello. Your mother-in-law fell into my pool with crocodiles. The crocodiles are yours, so you save them. A pharmacist tells a customer: In order to buy arsenic you should need a legal prescription. A picture of your mother-in-law just isn't enough. Mother to daughter: Your boyfriend such a jerk that I would be delighted to be his mother-in-law. A husband and wife were shopping when the wife said, ''Darling, its my mothers birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her? She would like something electric.'' The husband replied, ''How about a chair?!?'' The doorbell rang this morning. When I opened the door there was my mother-in-law on the front step. She said ''Can I stay here for a few days?'' I said: ''Sure you can.'' and shut the door in her face. I used to not get on with my mother-in-law, but over the last few months I've developed quite an attachment for her. It goes over her head and a strap comes down under her chin to keep her mouth shut!
Paper and Plastic
"Paper or plastic?" "Not 'Not paper AND not plastic!!'" -Augustus DeMorgan in a grocery store
Yo momma so fat I can stand on her belly and ...
Yo momma so fat I can stand on her belly and high-five God.
Jonah and the Whale.
A lady on an airliner was reading her bible. The man sitting next to her gave a little chuckle and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"
"Of course I do. It is the Bible." the lady replies!
"Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?" he asked.
"Oh, Jonah ... Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible." she replied.
"Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?" he asked.
"Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him." said the lady.
"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.
"Then YOU can ask him." replied the lady!
Quickie
President Bush and Dick Cheney walk into a diner for a meal. The waitress asks
them what they want. Cheney says he'll have roast beef. Turning to the
president, the waitress asks, "And what would you like?"
Bush says, "I'll have a quickie."
The waitress gets flustered and turns beet red. Finally, she stammers, "I've
never been so insulted. I thought sexist comments were a thing of the past!"
Then she stalks off.
Bush says, "Did I say something wrong?"
Cheney replies, "Mr. President, the word is pronounced quiche."
The missionary
A missionary realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how
to speak English, so he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.
He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree�. The chief looks
at the tree and grunts, "Tree�. The missionary is pleased with the response.
They walk a little farther and the missionary points to a rock and says, "This
is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock�.
The missionary is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears
a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple of natives
in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The missionary is really flustered and
quickly responds, "Riding a bike�.
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun, and kills them.
The missionary goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years
teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he
kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, "My bike�.
New years day
there was 3 men one was American one was a Canadian and one was a Newfe they were in a plain. It was new years eve so everyone decided to celebrate so the American droped a quarter, the canadian droped a loony, and the Newfe droped a bomb. when the American got off and saw a man crying he said why are you crying? A quarter fell out of the sky and killed my cat.The next day the Canadien got off and saw a man crying he said why are you crying? He said a loony fell out of the sky and killed my dog. Next day the Newfe got off and saw a man laughing so he said why are you laughing? He said I farted and my house blew up!
Methodist
Q: How many Methodist students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None - downtown Fayetteville looks better in the dark.
____________________
A ref calls a holding penelty.The couch runs to the ref and says "That was not holding, it was kicking!"
The Smelly Guy
There was this Paki, this Greek and this Persian guy and they
wanted to have a contest, a contest for who could stay the
longest in a car with a skunk. The Next day they had the
contest. The Greek guy went in and he came out in about 3
seconds. He came out and said, "O can't take it anymore." The
Persian guy went in and came out 5 seconds later and said, "I
can't take it anymore." So the Persian guy was winning. The Paki
guy was angry and wanted to win the contest very badly. So he
said there was nothing that was gonna get him out of the car. So
he went in the car and 1 second later the skunk came out and
said, "I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!"
Light Blonde
A blonde and a brunette are driving down the highway in a convertible. The brunette knows that she's speeding so she asks the blonde if there's a cop behind them. The blonde looks behind her and sees a cop and tells the brunette. The brunette then asks if his he's got his lights on. The blonde replies "Yes...No...Yes...No...Yes...No"
Angel on the Christmas Tree
Not long ago and not far away Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems every where... four of the elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule....then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit...
This stressed Santa even more...when he went to harness the reindeer he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out heaven knows where...more stress.
And then, when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards on the sleigh cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered all the toys...so, frustrated Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey...but he found that the elves had hit the liquor cupboard and there was nothing there to drink...and in his frustration he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor... he went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door ..he opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. And the angel said: Santa, where would you like to put this Christmas tree??
And that, my friend, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree...
The Test!
A guy walks into a bar and rudely demands a shot of 12-yr old scotch.
The bartender thinks "this guy doesn't know the difference," so he pours a shot of 2-year old scotch.
The patron takes one sip and spits it out. He promptly hollers at the bartender I said 12-year old scotch, you bozo!"
Still unimpressed the bartender pours some 6-year old scotch.
The patron takes a sip...same reaction.
But the bartender still doesn't believe the patron knows the difference. So he pours a shot of 10-year old scotch. Again, same reaction from the patron.
Finally, the bartender is convinced. He pours the patron a glass of 12-year-old scotch. The patron takes a sip and is most satisfied.
All the while this has been going on, a drunk at the end of the bar has been watching.
He slides a shot glass down the bar to the patron and drunkedly says:
"Shay mishter, tashte this!" The patron obliges...he promptly spits it out.
"That tastes like pee!," he shoots back at the drunk.
The drunk replies: "It ish. Now how old am I?"
Walking Stick
A man his wife and seven children had been out shopping and were
planning to get a bus home. While waiting for the bus an blind
old man with a walking stick joined them. When the bus arrived
the bus driver told them there was only room for Eight more. So
the man tells his wife to take the children on and he'll walk
the blind man home. On the way home the blind man kept tapping
his walking stick on the ground and the man said "Could you not
get a piece of rubber for the end of your stick." The blind man
replied, "if you had of put a piece of rubber on the end of your
own stick we could have got on the bus."
I need a bike
A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed his mum's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, 'I need a man, I need a man.'Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day Johnny came home from school and heard her moaning again. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself and moaned, 'Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!'
Knock KnockWho's there?Jewell!Jewell who?Jewell remember
Knock KnockWho's there?Jewell!Jewell who?Jewell remember me once you open the door!
From NewFoundland
A newfie was walking along the road with a sack over his shoulder. A guy comes up to him and says "Michael, what have you got in the bag there?".
"Chickens", says the Newfie. The guy says "If I guess how many chickens you've got in the bag there, will you let me have one?"
The Newfie replies "If you guess how many I've got you can have both of 'em"
Who is the boss
Bill walks into a bar and finds his friend Joe sitting on a stool.
"Joe," Bill said, "I'm glad to see that your wife finally let you out of the house."
"Things have been different with my wife," Joe said. "In fact, just the other day, I decided to show her who was the boss."
"How did you do that?" asked Bill.
"I simply said to her, Mabel, we are going to have it out right now, and I am going to show you who is the boss in this relationship'."
"What happened?"
"Well I don't want to brag, but I managed to get her on her hands and knees."
"How did you do that?"
"I was hiding under the bed at the time."
Submitted by Calamjo
Editted by Lol_Girl_72
Knock KnockWho's there?Juan!Juan who!Juan to
Knock KnockWho's there?Juan!Juan who!Juan to hear some more of these?
Zebra
there this french guy and theres this girl and she said you have to at lest now 3 words in english so there at the airport and he heard take-off so thats one word he said to him self so they went to the zoo and he heard baby zebra so thats 3 words he gos the the girl and he said the word take off z bra baby
Knock KnockWho's there?Omelet!Omelet who?Omelet'in you
Knock KnockWho's there?Omelet!Omelet who?Omelet'in you kiss me!
Whistle
What can a bird do that a man can't?
Whistle through his pecker.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Monday, February 25, 2013
Breaking the Mold
When they made you, they broke the mold. Then, they found the moldmaker,
dragged him out into the street, and shot him. Repeatedly.
More Pick Up Lines
1. I want you almost as much as I want world peace.
2. You can forget about going to heaven because it's sin to look that good.
3. We both know that I am going to follow you home anyway, so why don't you just come along peacefully?
4. I envy your lipstick.
5. I just want to be loved - is that so wrong?
6. You remind me of an ice cold Pepsi - I've just gotta have it.
7. Do you believe in the hereafter? Good, then you know what I'm here after.
8. If I had eleven roses and you, I'd have a dozen.
9. Baby, you look so sweet you're giving me a cavity.
10. Is it me or am I gorgeous?
11. I'd even marry your dog just to be related to you.
You're just asking for too much
A man enters a restaurant and while sitting at his table, notices a gorgeous woman sitting at another table, alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for the most expensive bottle of champagne to be sent over to her -- knowing that if she accepts it, she is his.The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman. She looks at the champagne and decides to send a note with the bottle back over to the man.The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, $1M in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."WELL, the man, after reading this note, sends one of his own back to her and it read: "Just so you know -- I happen to have TWO Mercedes in my garage, I have over $2M in the bank, but not even for YOU, would I cut off 2 inches! Send the bottle back."
On Enmity Between Races
Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat.
Just before take-off a fat, little Jewish guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I think I'll go up and get a coke."
(Shuttle flights do not have cabin attendants, but you probably knew that.)
"No problem," said the Jew. "I'll get it for you."
While he was gone the Arab picked up the Jew's shoe and spit in it.
The Jew brought back the coke, when the other Arab said, "That looks good. Think I'll have one too."
Again, the Jew obligingly goes to fetch it, and while he is gone the Arab picks up the other shoe and spits in it.
The Jew returns with the coke, and they all sit back and enjoy the short flight. When the plane was landing the Jew slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This enmity between our peoples ... this hatred ... this spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes!?!"
Are You Ready for Children?
Are you considering having children? To determine whether you are truly
prepared for the experience, we suggest you take this set of simple tests...
MESS TEST:
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet
flowerbed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish
stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
TOY TEST:
Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may
substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over
the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not
scream (this could wake a child at night).
GROCERY STORE TEST:
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you
shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they
eat or damage.
DRESSING TEST:
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making
sure that all arms stay inside.
FEEDING TEST:
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the
ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of
soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while
pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
NIGHT TEST:
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of
sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the
bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up,
pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen
more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make
breakfast. Keep this up for five years. Look cheerful.
PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN)
Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave
it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans.
PHYSICAL TEST (MEN):
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to
help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and
arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a
newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
FINAL ASSIGNMENT:
Find a couple that already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can
improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's
table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they
should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be
the last time you will have all the answers.
He Might Know You
There was a man and woman traveling along in their car. The man was driving when a police officer pulls them over. The officer walks up to the window and says "Did you know you were speeding back there."The lady (who is almost deaf) said to her husband "What did he say, what did he say?"The man turns to his wife and said "He said I was speeding." The officer then said "Where are you from?"The man replied "Chicago"The wife then says "What did he say, what did he say?"The man turns to his wife and said, "He wanted to know where we came from."The officer then said "Shit, you know, I had my worst fuck ever in Chicago."The lady then says "What did he say, what did he say?"The man turns back and says "He says he thinks he knows you."
Uneasy Wishes
A mafia king is lying on his sick bed when he calls in one of his godsons.
"Mikey, get over here," he says, "before I go, I gotta ask you to do me
one favor." "Yes, godfather, anything you ask me I'll do, I worship you
more than anything!"
"OK!" says the old man, "I want you to go to the bathroom and jerk off!"
Feeling uneasy the boy says, "I don't know, it is embarassing." The
old man says, "Who raised you as if you were my kid huh, you can't do it
for me?" The youngster agrees and does the deed, he comes back and says,
"OK I did it." The old man says, "One more request, do it again!" The
boy looks and says, "Why? I just did?" The old man says, "Who gave you
money, clothes, girls, huh? you can't do this little thing for me?" The
boy agrees and goes to do it. He comes back sweating and says "OK,
done!" "One last request, do it one last time! " says the old man. "I
don't understand, why?" says the boy. "Don't ask, Can't you grant a dying
man his last wish?" The boy goes and does it again, he comes back
crawling, barely able to talk, "OK I did it again, but please no more, I
got no more left! "Good!" says the old man, he hands him car keys and
says, "Now drive to the airport and pick up my daughter!"
Golf fanatic
This American golf fanatic always dreamed of playing at st. Andrews, and
finally got the chance. Going with his wife, they teed off and he proceeded to
play the best game of his life. After 9 holes, he was 5 strokes under par, and
was on cloud nine. On the back nine, he started playing even better, even
getting an eagle on the 16th hole.
He was so excited that he ended up slicing the shot on the 17th tee, and as he
walked up to it, saw that his ball was behind a small shack for the
groundskeepers.
Now he started to worry that his score would go up, but his caddy came up to
him and said "sir, this may sound like a tough shot, but if you put it through
that window, the ball should go through the window on the other side, and if
you're lucky, the ball will roll onto the green. The way you've played today, I
think you can make it."
So the guy takes a look and sees that it's a tough shot, but possible, so he
tries it. But his shot just misses the window, hit the window frame, and struck
his wife right in the head, killing her instantly.
Years go by and the man can't forget that horrible day. People he tells the
story to all sympathize with him, but he just has no will to live. But then he
realizes what he must do - face his nightmare!
He travels back to Scotland and plays another round at st. Andrews, and
miraculously, he is playing another stellar game. He starts to feel better about
himself as the round goes on, but when he approaches the 17th hole, he gets so
nervous that he slices his shot to the same damned spot.
As at his ball lying there behind the shack, his caddy says "sir, the way
you've been playing, why not try a trick shot. Some of the other caddies say if
you can get it through that window, it will follow through the one opposite it
and roll onto the green."
The guy says "are you out of your f*****' mind? The last time I tried that I
double-bogied!"
Blondes and grenades
Q:What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A:You pull the pin and throw it back.
Q:What do you do if a blonde throws pin at you?
A:RUN!
Lessons from Comp 4
I recently finished up teaching Comp 4, the computer literacy course here at UNC, during a compressed summer session. Comp 4 is an introductory class that assumes NO knowledge of computers among its students, and believe me when I say that this was often the case. The class was great fun to teach, and one of the facets that made it interesting (day-in and day-out) was the wealth of new knowledge that the students imparted to me on tests and examinations. I thought that I'd share some of these nuggets with you. My comments are in the standard C delimiters (/* and */). *Your* comments are encouraged. Here goes: Bacchus invented FORTRAN. /* I knew FORTRAN was old, and that it may have been designed under the influence of alcohol, but... */ There are three kinds of program statements: sequence, repetition, and seduction. There are two types of graphics: vector and rascal. /* Otay... */ Programming languages have specifictions. /* Obviously this student has dealt with a few standards. */ Macs are compatible with each other. /* Imagine the alternative: "What's your Mac's serial number? We'll go back to the warehouse and get your software." */ Doctors use computers to create a three demential picture of a person's brain. /* Is this classic, or what? */ One kind of a hostile computer program is a Trojan. C is a logical programming language. /* */ Heuristics (from the French heure, "hour") limit the amount of time spent executing something. [When using heuristics] it shouldn't take longer than an hour to do something. /* An absolutely terrific "false cognate". */ Having the computer automatically fill in images for animation is called "spleening". /* Derivation: most likely "splines" + "tweening". */ One method of computer security is a phone line. /* She qualified it later by adding, "You have to know the number." */ Video games are examples of fault-tolerant systems.On one test, I gave the students some abbreviations and asked them to tell me what they stood for. You won't believe the creativity of a student in a test situation. For example, one of the abbreviations was "fax", which *really* stands for "facsimile". However, various Comp 4'ers said it stood for: Fiber-optic Aided Xeroxing Frequency Automatic X-rays/* and my favorite... */ Fast A** Xeroxing The students also had to hand in term papers, and these were rife with interesting tidbits. I've clipped a few, quoted verbatim: "The worst thing the Mac has to offer, is that cooperative multitasking is not available to be used." "... footnotes present an interesting problem, which may be solvable by Hypercad." /* I assume the last term is the newest rage -- a free-form database for designers. */ "...Linda, a blind girl, was able to attend public school due to the aid of a speaking computer that taught her the basic fundmamentals [sic] of grammar and spelling." /* Linda may want to lend her computer out... */ "The program is manufactured by Quantel, a Silicon Valley company located in Clearwater, Florida." /* A *long* valley, as my roommate put it. */ "At the beginning of each season [Edwin] Moses teats himself on computerized weight machines..." /* Ouch! */
Floating voters
Have you heard the elections in South East Asia have all been cancelled.
Some problem with floating voters they said.
Hit Television Shows in Iraq
"Husseinfeld"
"Mad About Everything"
"U.S. Military Secrets Revealed"
"Suddenly Sanctions"
"Allah McBeal"
"Children Are Forbidden From Saying Anything Darndest"
"Matima Loves Chachi"
"The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show"
"Buffy The Slayer of Yankee Imperialist Dogs"
"Wheel of Fortune and Terror"
"Iraq's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"
"Achmed's Creek"
"The Price is Right If Saddam Says It's Right"
"M*U*S*T*A*S*H"
"Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses"
"Two Guys, a Girl, and a Mosque"
"When Kurds Attack"
"Just Shoot Me"
"My Two Baghdads"
"Diagnosis Heresy"
"Everybody Loves Saddam Or He'll Have Them Shot"
"Captured Iranian Soldiers Say the Darndest Things"
"Totally Clothed Baywatch"
Three Surgeons
Three surgeons were discussing their favorite type of patients.
The first surgeon said, "I like artists. When you cut them open,
they are awash with color inside."
The second one said, "I much prefer engineers. When you cut them
open everything is orderly and numbered."
"nonsense," said the third doctor. "The easiest are attorneys.
They hace only two parts: their ass and their mouth and those
are interchangeable."
Evil Genie
There are three guys enjoying a relaxing day of fishing. Out of the blue, they catch a mermaid who begs to be set free in return for granting them each one wish. Now one of the guys just doesn't believe it and says, "O.K., if you can really grant wishes, then double my I.Q.
The mermaid says, "Done!"
Suddenly the guy starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly and analyzing it with extreme insight. The second guy is so amazed he says to the mermaid, "Triple my I.Q."
And the mermaid replies, "Done!"
The guy starts to spout out all the mathematical solutions to problems that have been stumping scientists in various fields. The last guy is so enthralled with the changes in his friends that he says to the mermaid, "Quintiple my I.Q."
The mermaid looks at him and says, "You know, I normally don't try to change other people's minds when they make a wish, but I really wish you would reconsider.
The guy replies, "No, I want to increase my I.Q. times five and if you don't do it, I won't set you free."
"Please," says the mermaid, "You don't know what your asking...it'll change your entire view of the universe...won't you ask for something else..a million dollars, anything?"
But no matter what the mermaid said, the guy insisted on having his I.Q. increased by five times it's usual power.
So the mermaid sighed and said, "Done!"
And with that, he became a woman!
Well trained and brave
General McKenzie was in charge of the Navy, and he was visiting his colleague General Marshall, who was in charge of the Army. McKenzie arrives at the military camp and is greeted by Marshall. They both walk around the place, and McKenzie asks:"So how are your men?""Very well trained, General. McKenzie.""I hope so. You see, my men over at the Navy are so well trained, you could see they're the bravest men all over the country.""Well, my men are very brave, too.""I'd like to see that."So Marshall calls private Cooper and says:"Private Cooper! I want you to stop that tank coming here with your body!""Are you fucking crazy? It'd kill me, you asshole! I'm out of here!"As private Cooper ran away, Marshall turned to a bewildered McKenzie and said: "You see? You have to be pretty damn brave to talk like that to a general."
NEW COMPANY POLICIES - ALL EMPLOYEES MUST READ!
SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are
able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all
your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To
have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead
friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have
non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee
involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon.
We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently
leave one hour early, provided you share of the work is done enough to keep the
job going in your absence.
YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks
notice as it is your duty to train your replacement.
REST ROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the rest room. In the future, we will
follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose
names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with
'B' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you're unable to go at your time, it
will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again. In
extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. In writing,
both employees' supervisors must approve this exchange. In addition, there is
now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an
alarm bell will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door
will open.
PAYCHECK GUIDE:
The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better
understand their paychecks:
Gross pay $1,212.02
Income tax $244.40
Outgo tax $45.21
State tax $11.61
Interstate tax $61.10
County tax $6.11
City tax $12.22
Rural tax $4.44
Back tax $1.91
Front tax $1.16
Side tax $1.61
Up tax $2.24
Tic-Tacs $2.98
Thumbtacks $3.93
Carpet tacks $1.98
Stadium tax $2.69
Flat tax $8.32
Surtax $3.46
Corporate tax $2.60
Parking fee $7.00
FICA $81.88
TGIF Fund $9.95
Life insurance $7.85
Health insurance $17.23
Dental insurance $5.50
Mental insurance $5.33
Disability $3.50
Ability $1.25
Liability $3.41
Unreliability $10.99
Coffee $16.85
Coffee Cups $66.51
Floor rental $16.85
Chair rental $1.32
Desk rental $14.32
Union dues $25.85
Union don'ts $3.77
Cash advance $0.69
Cash retreats $121.35
Overtime $1.26
Undertime $54.83
Eastern time $9.00
Central time $8.00
Mountain time $7.00
Pacific time $6.00
Time Out $12.21
Oxygen $10.02
Water $16.54
Heat $51.42
Cool air $26.83
Hot air $28.13
Miscellaneous $113.29
Sundry $14.09
Various $8.01
========================
Net Take Home Pay $6.02
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive
employment experience. All questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations,
contemplation's, consternation's, or input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week,
Your Boss
The Bus Bench
There were three guys waiting for a bus on a bench when the first guy farts,
'WHOOOSSHHHHH....'
No one brought attention to it. Then suddenly the second guy farts,
'WHOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHH........'
Again, no one thought anything of it until the third guy let one,
'PPPPPPPPUUUUUUHHHHHHHH...'
The first two guys then looked at the third guy and simultaneously said, "STRAIGHT."
How you kill a blonde
Q: How do you kill a blonde ?
A: Stick a scratch-and-sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool
Un individuo est� vendiendo pericos
Un individuo est� vendiendo pericos en un sem�foro. Llega un tipo en su camioneta del a�o y le pregunta:
"Oye, �cu�nto valen los pericos?"
"�ste vale 10 mil pesos", mostr�ndole el primer perico.
"Pues, �qu� hace?", pregunta asombrado el parroquiano.
"Habla ingl�s, franc�s, italiano y sabe contestar el tel�fono".
"Y ese otro, �cu�nto cuesta?"
"�ste vale 20 mil pesos".
"Y �ste, �qu� hace?", pregunta, a�n m�s asombrado, el comprador.
"Habla ingl�s, franc�s, italiano, portugu�s; contesta el tel�fono; baja canciones de Internet y, adem�s, se viste solo".
"�Ya me imagino que el otro ha de valer m�s! �Verdad?"
"En efecto, se�or, �ste vale 30 mil pesos".
"�Y qu� hace?"
"No hace nada, pero �stos dos le dicen jefe".
in a traight jacket
Q:does a guy in a striaght jacket look harmful that just got out
of prison?
A: yes because thats why he is in the straight jacket.
Un matrimonio ingl�s. La mujer
Un matrimonio ingl�s. La mujer le pide al marido:
"James, nuestro hijo ha cumplido 16 a�os y creo que deber�as hablarle de hombre a hombre y contarle lo que hacen la vaquita y el toro, la abejita y el abejorro, el perrito y la perrita, etc."
"De acuerdo, querida".
A continuaci�n va a buscar a su hijo y le dice:
"John, si�ntate y s�rvete un whisky. T� y yo vamos a tener una conversaci�n de hombre a hombre. �T� te acuerdas, John, c�mo el a�o pasado, cuando estabamos cabalgando cerca del r�o, nos encontramos a dos chicas desnudas ba��ndose y acabamos tir�ndonoslas? Pues bien, tu madre quiere que sepas que eso tambi�n lo hacen las vaquitas, los perritos, las ovejitas..."
Se acerca un joven al
Se acerca un joven al confesionario:
"Padre, ac�some de que me la jalo mucho".
Entonces, se escucha una voz que le dice:
"Pues por m� te la puedes arrancar cabr�n; yo soy el carpintero de la iglesia y ando barnizando esta madre".
Llega un borrachito a su
Llega un borrachito a su casa, golpea la puerta y le grita a su mujer, "�Mi Amor! �Prep�rate para tres polvos!"
La esposa sale por la ventana y le responde:
"Mi vida, veo que vienes caliente."
Y el borrachito le responde:
"�No, es que vengo con dos amigos!"
Paper or Plastic?
One day a guy went to a grocery store and the bagger boy asked him "Paper
or Plastic" and the man said, "Uh...paper I guess."
Then the bagger boy said your total is $56.35.
The man took out his wallet and said "Real or Counterfeit".
sleep in the barn
A police chief, a fire chief, and a city manager were traveling together by car to a municipal management conference in a distant city. Their car broke down in a rural area, and they were forced to seek shelter for the night at a nearby farmhouse. The farmer welcomed them in, but cautioned them that there were only two spare beds, and that one of them would have to sleep in the barn with the farm animals. After a short conference, the police chief agreed to take the barn. Shortly after retiring, a knock was heard on the door of the farmhouse. The party inside answered to find the police chief standing there, complaining that he could not sleep. There were pigs in the barn, he said, and he was reminded of the days when everyone called him a pig. The fire chief then volunteered to exchange with the police chief. A short time later, another knock was heard at the door. The fire chief complained that the cows in the barn reminded him of Mrs. O'Leary's cow that started the Chicago fire, and that every time he started to go to sleep, he started to have a fireman's worst nightmare, that of burning to death. The city attorney, in desperation for sleep, then agreed to sleep in the barn. This seemed like a good idea until a few minutes later, when another knock was heard at the door. When the occupants answered the door, there stood the very indignant cows and pigs.
Dead.
There was a young man from Belgrave
Who found a dead whore in a cave
It does take some pluck to have a cold fuck
But think of the money you save!!!
Bigger turkey
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but
couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these
turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
The fruit
Three men are sailing inthe pacific when they get ship wrecked.SO they swim to the nearest island whichhappens to be the home of a group of cannabals.the leader of the tribe tells each of them to bring back ten of the same fruits. the first man brought back 10 apples then they will have to shove the fruit up their butts. the first man gets 5 in and screams so they kill him.the next man brings back berries he gets to 9 and starts laughingso hard they pop out.the first at second men met up in heaven
the first man asked why he laughed and the second man replied the third guy was coming back with pineapples...
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Coming home late
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls" I told my husband that I would be home by midnight...."I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the champagne was going down way to easy. Around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing he'd probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution especially since I was smashed, in order to avoid a conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him 12 o'clock. He didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh crap!", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times,giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted."
Question and answer blonde joke
Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."
Darling
What do you call a man who supports a woman's career, helps prepare the dinner, bathes the children and earns a six-figure income?
Darling.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Blonde and the car crash
One day a blonde was driving in her car and she had a crash but she was not hurt. A policeman comes up to her and asked what happend she said "I was driving in my car and suddnely trees started coming from no where there was one on my left and I swerved and then one on my right and it went on and on and on. The policeman said "but there is no trees down this road for 30 miles,it was your air freshner swinging back and forth.
Bill from the lawyer
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was
constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor
for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the
lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when
you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still
feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place
them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
Son of a bitch
a priest and one of his buddies went fishing one day. the priest caught a big
fish and his friend said that is one big son of a bitch, the priest replied,
"please don't use that language around me." his friend said," no, that is the
name of the fish, a son of a bitch." so later that day the priest went back to
the church and told the fellow priests about the son of a bitch he caught. they
said, father! you are a priest don't use that language, so the priest said," no,
that is the name of the fish, a son of a bitch. so later that night they had
dinner with the bishop and in common dinner conversation the priest mentioned
the son of a bitch that he caught, the bishop surprised told the priest to not
use that language because he is a man of god and not to talk like that in his
prescience. later that week the pope was with them all. they were a little
worried that he wouldn't know that the fish was called a son of a bitch, but
they talked about it anyway. the bishop fearing the pope would overhear and get
the wrong idea told the pope about the son of a bitch. the pope replied, "hey.
you f****** are alright."
Aids or Alzheimers?
A guy takes his ill and aging wife in to the doctor's office.
After a full examination, the doc tells the guy it's one of two things.
The Doc says, "Well, it's either Alzheimers disease or AIDS."
"What do you mean!" The guy says, "Can't you tell the difference?"
"Well, says the Doc, the two look a lot alike in the early stages... Tell you what ya do...Drive her way out into the country, kick her out of the car, and if she finds her way back, - don't have sex with her anymore!"
An Asian man walks into
An Asian man walks into the currency exchange in New York with 2000 yen and
walks out with $72. Next week he walks in with 2000 yen, gets $66. He asks
the lady why he gets less money this week than last week.
The lady says "Fluctuations".
The Asian man storms out, and just before slamming the door turns around
and says "Fluc you clazy Amelicans too!"
Charlie Brown Specials We'd Like to See
A few years ago, Charlie Brown and the PEANUTS gang made a new friend who developed leukemia in an animated special entitled, WHY, CHARLIE BROWN, WHY?
Recently, MetLife has put out a series of instructional pamphlets which feature the PEANUTS gang dealing with such issues as the loss of a loved one, writing a will, and dealing with a permanent disability. Now that Charlie Brown is dealing with important issues, how about some PEANUTS specials for the kids of the 90s?
* We could learn about V.D. in, IT BURNS WHEN I PEE, CHARLIE BROWN.
* Chuck and the Little Red-Headed Girl find out about unwanted pregnancy in, IT'S BLUE, CHARLIE BROWN!
* Is Linus gay? Find out in, IT'S A DIFFERENT KIND OF LOVE, CHARLIE BROWN.
* Explore the real problems of child abuse in America in, YOU MADE ME DO THAT, CHARLIE BROWN.
* See how the PEANUTS gang deals with date rape in, NO MEANS NO, CHARLIE BROWN.
* Discover a father's forbidden love in, IT'S OUR LITTLE SECRET, CHARLIE BROWN.
* The PEANUTS gang gets a lesson in Ebonics in, IMO BUSTA CAP INYO ASS, CHARLIE BROWN.
* What goes on in the mind of a serial killer? Discover the inner workings of Pig Pen's twisted psyche and meet his murderous alter ego, Mr. Clean in, GOD TOLD ME TO DO IT, CHARLIE BROWN.
* Charlie Brown peddles his body for crack money while stealing Social Security checks and boosting automobiles in GO BLAME SOCIETY, CHARLIE BROWN.
El Presidente de la Rep�blica
El Presidente de la Rep�blica al regresar de una de sus giras, y llegar a su vivienda
se da cuenta que en la pared del frente estaba escrito un grafiti:
"El presidente debe morir", y lo m�s curioso del caso era que estaba escrito con orines.
Asustado, se va a las Oficinas de la Policia y entra gritando: "Hay una amenaza de muerte en la pared frente de mi casa y est� escrito con orines, quiero saber quien lo hizo y quiero saberlo ahora."
Los agentes de la Policia salen corriendo de la oficina, y horas m�s tarde se presentan donde el presidente y le dicen:
"Se�or presidente tenemos dos noticias, una mala y otra peor, �cual quiere
saber primero?"
"Deme la mala primero", dice el presidente.
"Se�or, analizamos el ADN de la muestra de orina, los resultados nos indican que la orina pertenece al se�or Vicepresidente."
"�Oh Dios m�o! me siento traicionado... �mi propio Vicepresidente! Pero y �cual es la peor noticia?"
"Se�or, es que la letra es de su esposa..."
dumb blondes
10 blondes and 1 brunette were mountain climbing one day. so they were climbing and they got into trouble at a spot one of them had to give up there life so they could continue on so the brunette said i'll do it so you girls can go on so she jumped to the jagged rocks below (ouch) the dumb blondes felt sorry for the brunette so they jumped of to THE END
The best song ever
this is the best song ever.
On top of mount everest, all covered in chesse
i shot my poor sister, with a red rubber band.
i shot her with glory, i shot her with pride.
how could i have missed her, shes fifty-feet wide.
i went to her funeral, i went to her grave.
some people threw flowers, i threw a granade.
i opened her coffin, she didnt look dead.
so i took a bazooca, a blew off her head!!!!
Michael Moore
The Centers for Disease Control stated that being overweight actually gives you a lower risk of death than being thin.
It was big news in Hollywood.
The next day, Michael Moore's personal physician diagnosed his condition as immortal.
-Argus Hamilton
Hearing problem
One day the teacher asked the class tell me is it
noisier then last year in your neighborhood. 70%
said yes and the other30% said I didn`t hear the
quistion.
red light
What goes "Vroom...screech...vroom...screech...vroom...screech?"A blonde at a flashing red light.
Q: How many members
Q: How many members of the England cricket team does it take to change a lightbulb?A: Four. One to change it after 85 overs, one to throw him the new one, one to drop it, and one to get caught rubbing something out of his pocket into it.
Scam!!!
Under most circumstances, I would just ignore this. However, since I've been doing some
very important work with this charitable organization, I would hate to see all the good work spoiled. I agree that there may be a few trying to take advantage, but the majority of us are trying to help others. So, if I show up at your door, please ignore the message below and cooperate fully!
Subject: FW: Scam Warning You might want to pass this on to your girlfriends, sisters, Mom, etc....
Warning!!
I don't normally forward these, but this one looks important...
WARNING ... WARNING !!!!!
If a man comes to your front door and says he is conducting a survey and asks you to show him your tits... DO NOT SHOW HIM YOUR TITS!
This is a scam and he is only trying to SEE YOUR TITS.
Drunk again
An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face.
He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home.
When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.
When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.
"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."
Terms of Endearment!
Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names."
Morris hung his head and whispered -
"To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago!"
Yo mama so drunk
yo mama so drunk that when she was at the bar last night she thought you were the bar tender and slaped the bartender for being ugly
I'll Betcha...
A woman is just getting out of the shower when the doorbell rings. Her husband, heading to the shower himself, asks her to see who's at the door, so she wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands her next-door neighbor, Rob. Before she can say a word, Rob says, "I'll give you $500 to drop that towel you have on."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of him. He looks for a few seconds, hands her $500, and leaves.
Excited about her earnings, the woman puts the towel back on and runs upstairs. Her husband yells out from the shower, "Who was that?"
"It was Rob from next door," she replies.
"Great," the husband says.
"Did he say anything about the $500 dollars he owes me?"
Apostle
It was really tough work being an Apostle of Jesus. Can you imagine the hours? What if you wanted a day off? So you call up Jesus and say, "Jesus, I'm sick today, running a little fever and feeling congested so I won't be able to make it to today's Sermon.......what ........say that again, you say I'm cured?"
On Dying and drinking
An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, ''I've some bad news for you... you have the cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month.'' Murphy, shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There he saw his son who had been waiting. Murphy said, ''Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a very short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints.'' After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad... He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, ''I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS.'' The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers. After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered his confusion... ''Dad I thought you said that you were dying from cancer. You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS?'' Murphy said, ''I am dying from cancer son - I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone.''
Two Irishmen met and one
Two Irishmen met and one said to the other, "Have ye seen Mulligan
lately, Pat?"
Pat said, "Well, I have and I haven't."
His friend asked, "Shure, and what d'ye mean by that?"
Pat said, "It's like this, y'see...I saw a chap who I thought was Mulligan,
and he saw a chap that he thought was me. And when we got up to one
another...it was neither of us."
Remember when.....
Remember when........
A computer was something on TV from
a science fiction show of note
a window was something you hated to clean
and ram was the cousin of a goat
Meg was the name of my girlfriend
and gig was a job for the nights
now they all mean different things
and that really mega bytes
An application was for employment
a program was a TV show
a cursor used profanity
a keyboard was a piano
Memory was something that you lost with age
a CD was a bank account
and if you had a 3 1/2" floppy
you hoped nobody found out
Compress was something you did to the garbage
not something you did to a file
and if you unzipped anything in public
you'd be in jail for a while
Log on was adding wood to the fire
hard drive was a long trip on the road
a mouse pad was where a mouse lived
and a backup happened to your commode
Cut you did with a pocket knife
paste you did with glue
a web was a spider's home
and a virus was the flu
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
and the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
but when it happens they wish they were dead.
Only In America
1. Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. 2. Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. 3.Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. 4. Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke. 5. Only in America... do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters. 6. Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. 7. Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place. 8. Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. 9. Only in America... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'. 10. Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
Saturday, February 23, 2013
New joke
Joe is walking along a dark street at night when he hears a lot of laughter and shouting from an Irish bar across the road.
Joe thinks, "Hmm...never been in an Irish bar before and I am bored and lonely. I'll go check it out."
In he walks, amidst hoots of laughter. He looks up at a stage in the center of the room and sees a man going to the microphone.
He taps the microphone twice and says "42". Everyone bursts out laughing and he walks off the stage.
Another man comes up and yells "68!" The crowd laughs louder still!
A third man walks up and shouts "12!!"
Joe is quite confused by now so he finds the manager and asks, "Why does everyone laugh when they are only calling out numbers?"
"Well," says the Manager, "we got tired of saying the same jokes over and over again so we assigned them numbers so each number called out is a joke."
"Ohh," said Joe. "Am I allowed a go then?"
"Sure!" the manager exclaimed, So up on to the stage went Joe and yelled at the top of his voice "168".
The patrons laughed so loudly the room shook. They carried him off the stage and bought him a few drinks.
After that, he went to the manager and asked, "Why was my joke so funny?"
The manager was still chuckling but he said, "Well, they haven't heard that one before!!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Earthly Drug Problems
Earthly Drug Problems
Jesus, in a very worried state, convened all of his apostles and disciples to an emergency meeting because of the high drug consumption problem all over the earth.
After giving it much thought they reached the conclusion that in order to better deal with the problem, that they should try the drugs themselves and then decide on the correct way to proceed. It was therefore decided that a commission made up of some of the members return to earth to get the different types of drugs.
The secret operation is effected and two days later the commissioned disciples begin to return to heaven. Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in the first disciple:
''Who is it?''
''It's Paul''
Jesus opens the door.
''What did you bring Paul?''
''Hashish from Morocco''
''Very well son, come in.''
''Who is it?''
It's Mark''
Jesus opens the door.
''What did you bring Mark?''
''Marijuana from Colombia''
''Very well son, come in.''
''Who is it?''
''It's Matthew''
Jesus opens the door.
''What did you bring Matthew?''
''Cocaine from Bolivia''
''Very well son, come in.''
''Who is it?''
''It's John''
Jesus opens the door.
''What did you bring John?''
''Crack from New York''
''Very well son, come in.''
''Who is it?''
''It's Luke''
Jesus opens the door.
''What did you bring Luke?''
''Speed from Amsterdam''
''Very well son, come in.''
''Who is it?''
''It's Judas''
Jesus opens the door.
''What did you bring Judas?''
''The FBI! EVERYONE AGAINST THE WALL!''
Bill Gates Goes to Hell (version 12,634,957.2)
Bill Gates passes this mortal coil and to nobody's surprise including his own, arrives in hell.Satan greets him: 'Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Frankly releasing Windows 95 two years early, would by itself, have landed you here. But enough of that. 'You've arrived on a day when I'm in a good mood, so I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever.'Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says 'I'll take this option.' 'Fine,' says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan then locks the door.As Satan turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. 'That was Bill Gates!' cried Lucifer. 'Why did you give him the best place of all!' 'That's what everyone thinks' snickered Satan.'The bottle has a hole in it and the girl hasn't!''What about the PC?''It's got Windows NT!' laughed Satan. 'And it's missing three keys,''Which three?''Control, Alt and Delete.'
sorority girl does in the morning?
What is the first thing a sorority girl does in the morning?
Walks home.
Windows 98 Source Code
/* TOP SECRET Microsoft(c) Code Project: Chicago(tm) Projected release-date: Summer 1998 */
#include "win31.h"
#include "win95.h"
#include "evenmore.h"
#include "oldstuff.h"
#include "billrulz.h"
#define INSTALL = HARD
char make_prog_look_big[1600000]; void main()
{ while(!CRASHED)
{ display_copyright_message(); display_bill_rules_message(); do_nothing_loop();
if (first_time_installation)
{ make_50_megabyte_swapfile(); do_nothing_loop(); totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system(); search_and_destroy_the_rest_of_OS/2(); hang_system(); } write_something(anything); display_copyright_message(); do_nothing_loop(); do_some_stuff();
if (still_not_crashed)
{ display_copyright_message(); do_nothing_loop(); basically_run_windows_3.1(); do_nothing_loop(); do_nothing_loop(); do_nothing_loop();
}
}
if (detect_cache()) disable_cache();
if (fast_cpu())
{ set_wait_states(lots); set_mouse(speed, very_slow); set_mouse(action, jumpy); set_mouse(reaction, sometimes); }
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 3.11"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 95"); */
printf("Welcome to Windows 98");
if (system_ok())
{ bsod(random_err()); crash(to_dos_prompt); } else system_memory = open("a:swp0001.swp", O_CREATE); while(something)
{ sleep(5); get_user_input(); sleep(5); act_on_user_input(); sleep(5); }
create_general_protection_fault(); }
Bad day for a screenwriter
A screenwriter comes home to a burned-down house. His sobbing wife is standing outside. "What happened, honey?" he asks.
"Oh, John, it was terrible," she weeps. "I was cooking when the phone rang. It was your agent. Because I was on the phone, I didn't notice the stove had caught on fire. It went up in seconds. Everything is gone. I barely made it out of the house alive..."
"Wait! Back up a minute," the man says. "My agent called?"
Super Market Checkout
A woman went to a discount store to purchase several items. When she finally got to the checker, she learned one of her items had no price.
She thought she'd die of embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "Price check on lane thirteen. Tampax. Supersize."
As if that wasn't bad enough, the person looking for the price misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "Thumbtacks."
In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom, "Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you pound in with a hammer?"
Burglar
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?"
The bird promptly answered, "Probably the same kind of people that would name a Rotweiller "Jesus"!
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Duck hunter
A duck hunter killed four ducks. He put them into his bag and began to walk home.
The game warden stopped him and said, "So, your a duck hunter?"
"Yes sir, I am"
The warden sticks his thumb up the first duck's ass and says, " This duck is from New York, do you have a New York hunting licence?"
The hunter replies, "Yes I do." and he shows it.
The warden checks the other ducks, the same way, and says, "My, my, you have ducks from NY, VT, CT and NH! Where are you from?"
The hunter turns around, bends over and pulls down his pants, and says, "I don't know...why don't you tell me?"
Things In Football That Sound Dirty -- But Aren't
20. The hole closed on him before he could penetrate it.
19. He came at his blind side and got him from behind.
18. He's off to the sidelines for a quick blow.
17. It's a game of inches.
16. That hole was so big, you could drive a truck through it.
15. When you get down in this area, you just gotta start pounding.
14. He's gonna feel that one tomorrow.
13. He found his tight end.
12. End around.
11. He had to stretch to get it in.
10. He gets penetration in the backfield.
9. He blows them off (at the line).
8. He bangs it in.
7. He could go all the way.
6. He gets it off just in time.
5. He goes deep.
4. He found a hole and slid through it.
3. He pounds it in.
2. He beats them off (the line)
1. He's got great hands.
Save it for later
A French woman took her little daughter to the Louvre where they saw a statue
of a nude male. "What is that?" asked the child pointing to the penis.
� Nothing, nothing at all, Cherie," replied the mother.
� I want one," said the child. The mother tried to focus her daughter's
attention on a more suitable subject, but the little girl persisted. "I want one
just like that," she kept repeating.
At last the mother said, "If you are a good girl and stop thinking about it
now, when you grow up, you will have one�.
� And if I'm bad?" asked the little one.
� Then," answered the mother, "You will have many."
Question and answer Clinton joke
Q: When will there be a woman in the White House?A: When Hillary leaves town.
Difference
Q: What is the difference between the Dresden bombing and Germany's best
comedian?
A: Only the first one can make you smile.
George and god
Seventy-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results.
Doctor Smith said,
'George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself and do you have a good relationship with your God?'
George replied,
'God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the toilet, poof, the light goes on when I pee and then, poof, the light goes off when I'm done.'
'Wow,' commented Doctor
Smith, 'that's incredible!'
A little later in the day Doctor Smith called George's wife. 'Thelma,' he said, 'George is just fine. Physically he's great.
But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and, poof, the light goes on in the toilet and then, poof, the light goes off?'
Thelma exclaimed, 'That old fool. He's been peeing in the refrigerator again!'
Tech Support "Classics!"
Customer: "Your sound card is defective and I want a new one."
Tech Support: "What seems to be the problem?"
Customer: "The balance is backwards. The left channel is coming out of the right speaker and the right channel is coming out the left.
It's defective!"
Tech Support: "You can solve the problem by moving the left speaker to the right side of the machine and vice versa."
Customer: (sputter) (click)
Tech Support: (snicker)
****************
I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine.
Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my co-workers for help; they offered no new ideas.
After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly,
"Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this "yellow" construction paper?"
*******************
A man attempting to set up his new printer called the printer's tech support number, complaining about the error message: "Can't find the printer."
On the phone, the man said he even held the printer up in front of the screen, but the computer still couldn't find it! (YEE-HAW!)
*****************
Customer: "Hello? I'm trying to dial in. I installed the software okay, and it dialed fine. I could hear that. Then I could hear the two computers connecting. But then the sound all stopped, so I picked up the phone to see if they were still connected, and I got the message, 'No Carrier,' on my screen. What's wrong?"
*****************
An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows installation that had gone terribly wrong.
Customer: "I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on my
home computer." (Training stresses that we are "not the Soft-ware Police," so I let the little act of piracy slide.)
Tech Support: "Umm-hmm. What happened?"
Customer: "As I put each disk in it turns out they weren't initialized."
Tech Support: "Do you remember the message exactly, ma'am?"
Customer:(proudly) "I wrote it down. 'This is not a Macintosh disk. Would you like to initialize it'?"
Tech Support: "Er, what happened next?"
Customer: "After they were initialized all the disks appeared to be blank. And now I brought them back to work, and I can't read them in the A: drive; the PC wants to format them. And this is our only set of Windows disks for the whole office. Did I do something wrong?"
******************
For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other.
A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face.
She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen. The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced.
I started to type, "Leave me alone!"
They both jumped back, silenced. "What the . . . " the teacher said.
I typed, "I said leave me alone!"
The kid got real upset. "I didn't do anything to it, I swear!"
It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes.
Me: "Don't touch me!"
Her: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit your keys that hard."
Me: "Who do you think you are anyway?!" Etc. Finally, I couldn't contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing.
After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.
***************
I have a friend who just bought a computer and was instructed to load a program by typing "A:" and then the name of the program. My friend told me it would not work because his keyboard was no good. He said he couldn't type the "dot over dot thingie" and that every time he tried to type the "dot over dot thingie" he kept getting the "dot over comma thingie" no matter how careful he was to press only on the very top of
the key.
When I taught him about the shift key, he thought I was a genius.
*****************
This guy calls in to complain that he gets an "Access Denied" message every time he logs in. It turned out he was typing his user name and password in capital letters.
Tech Support: "OK, let's try once more, but use lower case letters." Customer: "Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard."
****************
Email from a friend: "CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?"
****************
My friend was on duty in the main lab on a quiet afternoon. He noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest and staring at the screen. After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position only now she was impatiently tapping her foot. He asked if she needed help and she replied, "It's about time! I pushed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!"
****************
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