Un alto funcionario del Fondo

Un alto funcionario del Fondo Monetario Internacional est� por llegar a un pa�s latinoamericano a revisar cuentas fiscales. Era un d�a lluvioso, y el Presidente y su Ministro de Econom�a estaban en el aeropuerto a su espera. Ambos decidieron subirse las botamangas de sus pantalones para evitar moj�rselos. El avi�n desciende y ambos emprenden su marcha hacia el pie de la escalerilla para saludar al visitante. En ese momento el Ministro de Econom�a nota que el Presidente no volvi� a su lugar las botamangas de su pantanl�n:

"Se�or Presidente, ya viene el funcionario. B�jase los pantalones."

"�Tanto le debemos?"

Adler's Distinction: Language is

Adler's Distinction: Language is all that separates us from the lower animals, and from the bureaucrats.

The Top 13 Miracles Not Mentioned in the Bible

13. The Plague of the Hickeys

12. The Parting of Don King's Hair

11. And in these gospels did many sentences begin with the word "And," yet the Net-Grammarians remained silent.

10. The Near-Perfect Slicing of the Pringles

9. Awkward teenage Jesus swinging a date with Nazareth High's head cheerleader.

8. "Moses then parted the red cheeks and let forth a blast which halted the Egyptians in their path."

7. First Try: Jesus turns water into Earl Grey tea.

6. "Water into Wine" and "Loaves and Fishes" were pretty good, but "Oregano into Primo Mexican Weed" was *truly* impressive.

5. The Supersizing of the Multitude under the Golden Arches

4. Moses' mother letting him wander around the desert for forty years without calling or visiting her in Miami Beach even once.

3. Methuselah wedding Anna Nicole Smith at the age of 893.

2. Apprentice Savior Marvin helping a blind man to hear.

1. Jesus becoming a brown-haired, blue-eyed Caucasian, despite having been born a Middle Eastern Jew.

[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]

[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]

This pregnant woman got shot 3 times in the...

This pregnant woman got shot 3 times in the stomach while pregnant with triplets. The bullets went into all 3 of the babies. The doctor told the mother that the bullet will come out of their bodies at age 14.

At age 14, one of the girls comes up to the mom and says I went to the bathroom and pissed out a bullet. The mom explains the story to her daughter. The second daughter comes up to her mom and says mom i just pissed out a bullet. The mom explains the story to her. The son comes up to his mom and the mom says let me guess u pissed out a bullet. The boy says no i was jerking off and I shot the cat!!!

Cure For Unemployment

"So you think you could end all unemployment, do you?" asked the interviewer.
"And how, if I may be so bold to inquire?"

"Why, I'd put all the men on one island and all the women on another." replied Paddy.

"And what would they be doing then?"
"Building boats!"

30 years ago

A man comes to a magician and asks: "Can you take away the most horrible
conjure?" "What kind of conjure and who has done it?" "It was the witch who said
30 years ago: "And now you are a husband and a wife" "

CIA Assassin

There was an opening with the CIA as an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to three men but only one position was available.

So the day came for the final test to see which man would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

`We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances,' they explained.
'Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.'

The man got a shocked look on his face and said,
'You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife.'

'Well,' says the CIA man, 'you're definitely not the right man for the job then.'

So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun.
'We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances,' they explained to the second man.
`Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her�

The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes, and then the door opened and the man came out with tears in his eyes.

'I tried to shoot her but I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my own wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job.'

'No,' the CIA man replied, `you don't have what it takes. Take your wife and get the hell home.'

Now the CIA are down to one man left to test. Again they lead him to the same door of the same room and give him the same gun.
'We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. This is your final test. Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair, take this gun and kill her.'

The third man took the gun and opened the door and before the door had even closed all the way, the CIA heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, and then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the third man. He wiped the sweat from his brow and said,

`You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with f***ing blanks. I had to beat the bitch to death with the chair.'

The Top 15 White House Press Quotes That Sound Dirty but Aren't

15> "Bush had some face time with the Minority Whip last night."

14> "The President worked late into the night, pausing only to eat rice."

13> "Contrary to reports he's blowing off environmentalists, the president enjoys exploring deep into our interior."

12> "Ideas are important -- and the First Lady sure has a couple of big ones."

11> "As for the budget, the Bush trimmings will leave many hardliners excited."

10> "Dick's staff has right behind Colin during this painful ordeal."

9> "Boy Scout troop 547 got to see Bush in the Oval Office today."

8> "The naturally curious President has pushed NASA to probe Uranus."

7> "...and I want to give it to the American people, because they've earned it!"

6> "The President's staff eagerly acknowledged the First Lady's return."

5> "Thank you all for coming."

4> "The President debriefed his staff this morning."

3> "According to the First Lady, the President still doesn't know the precise location of the little red button."

2> "Steady growth in the private sector is crucial to our plans to penetrate abroad."

1> "Loud opposition was shown by Putin during the President's speech."

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]

Computer lingo guide

Keyboard - Where you're supposed to put the keys so the wife can find them

Q: How many chickens

Q: How many chickens does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: Just one, and she'll screw it in as soon as she decides it isn't going to hatch.

Fire Blonde

There was a red,blonde,and a brewnette.They were taken hostage by bank robbers and taken to a factory. They went up to the red head and put her at gun point and said any last words. She says twister they duck and she gets away. They go up to the brewnette and put her at gun point and ask if she has any last words. She says flood they ran to high ground and she gets away. they go up to the blonde put her at gun point and ask her if she has any last words and she says fire.

Yo mama is so short

Yo mama so short she has to use a ladder to pick up a dime.

A Train Wreck Waiting to Happen

Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad, and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking, "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?" Tom says, "I would switch one train to another track." "What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector. "I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever," answers Tom."What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector. "Then," Tom continues, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box." "What if the phone was busy?" "In that case," Tom argues, "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station". "What if that had been vandalized?" "Oh, well," says Tom, "in that case I'd run into town and get my Uncle Leo." This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why would you do that?""Because he's never seen a train crash."

About old man

Why old man can't walk?

because he got a walk sick.

Poor Bill Gates

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter. "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before in your case; I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."

Bill replied, "well, what's the difference between the two?" St. Peter said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision."

"Fine, but where should I go first?"

"I'll leave that up to you."

"Okay then," said Bill, Let's try Hell first."

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased. "This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!"

"Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter.

"Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire."

So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going?" he asked Bill.

Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?"

"That was a demo," replied St. Peter.

Marriage Counselor's Advice

A couple was having some trouble, so they did the right thing and went to a marriage counselor. After a few visits, and a lot of questioning and listening, the counselor said that he had discovered the main problem.He stood up, went over to the woman, asked her to stand, and gave her a hug. He looked at the man and said, "this is what your wife needs, at least once a day!"The man frowned, thought for a moment, then said, "Ok, what time do you want me to bring her back tomorrow?"

Una muchacha estaba a pocos

Una muchacha estaba a pocos d�as de casarse solo que el vestido le quedaba muy largo, as� que le pidi� a su mam� que se lo recortara, pero la mam� no pod�a debido a que se encontraba ocupada.

Entonces decidi� preguntarle a su abuela para ver si le recortaba el vestido, pero la abuela tambi�n se encontraba ocupada leyendo. Decidi� preguntarle a su hermana, pero la hermana estaba estudiando y tampoco pod�a.

En eso la muchacha se fue porque ten�a que hacer una diligencia, entonces su mam� entr� a su cuarto y le recort� el vestido, luego entr� la abuela y le recort� el vestido y luego entr� la hermana y le recort� el vestido.

Al fin llego el d�a de la boda y el novio y la novia se ten�an que vestir. El novio le dice a ella: "Tu te vistes aqu� y yo me visto por all�, pero no vayas a mirar hacia all�."

En eso la novia alz� su vestido y mirando sorprendida dijo: "�Tan chiquito y tan arrugadito!"

Y el novio le grit�: "�Te dije que no miraras hacia ac�!"

I need to be able

"I need to be able to move the right people to the right place at the right
time to protect you, and I'm not going to accept a lousy bill out of the United
Nations Senate." �George W. Bush, South Bend, Ind.

Car salesmen are overused....

Car salesmen are overused.

Womem's Lament

The nice men are ugly.

The handsome men are not nice.

The handsome and nice men are gay.

The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.

The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have

no money.

The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with

money think we are only after their money.

The handsome men without money are after our money.

The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat

heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful enough.

The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual,

somewhat nice and have money, are cowards.

The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and

have some money and thank God are heterosexual, are shy

and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!

The men who never make the first move, automatically lose

interest in us when we take the initiative.

And yet, WOMEN are the CONFUSING sex?

Lawyers & Assholes

A obviously pissed off man walks into a bar and yells "All Lawyers are assholes! Show Me a Lawyer, and I'll show you an Asshole!" Another man walks up to the guy and says "I resent that statement!" The first guys says "Why, Are you a Lawyer?"and the second guys replies "NO! I'm an ASSHOLE!"

Hot sauce

This man could not get his daughter to scream. She would not even scream when she was mad. So a man put a poster outside of his house that said, "If you can make my daughter scream you will get $5,000!" A white man, a black man, and a chianeese man went to the house and took a shot at it.The white man went in, and the father heard no scream. The black man went in, and the father heard no scream again. So the chianeese man went in, and the father heard the loudest scream he had ever heard. The fater said, "My daughter never screams. How did you make her scream?" The chianeese man said, "Me chianeese me play trick me put hot sauce on my dick"

A Blonde with Earrings

Why do blondes wear big hoop earrings when they go on a
date?
So they have some place to put their feet

Una mujer estaba conversando con

Una mujer estaba conversando con su vecina: "Hoy me siento realmente bien. Comenc� el d�a con un acto de generosidad. Le d� un billete de 100 a un vago."

"�Le diste un billete de 100 a un vago? Eso es mucho dinero para regalarlo. �Qu� dijo tu esposo al respecto?"

"Oh, �l estaba encantado. Lo �nico que dijo fue Gracias."

Nude statue

Two nude statues (one male and one female) had been standing in a beautiful park for 99 years. On their 100th anniversary in the park an angel came down from heaven to talk to the statues.He said to them, 'God has been watching you for the past 100 years and has been very pleased with the two of you. So pleased in fact that he has decided to make you human for a short time.'The angel then went on to say that they would be human for 15 minutes and would finally be able to pleasure themselves in a manner in which they have only fantasized about for the last 100 years.The statues were so excited they could hardly believe it. The second they became human they ran off together behind the bushes. The angel heard the rustling of the bushes and shouts of joy and laughter.After 10 minutes the statues returned from behind the bushes sweating and laughing. The angel told the statues that they still had five more minutes.The male statue quickly turned to the female statue and said: `Cool, this time, you hold down the pigeon and I'll shit on its head.'

Frankfurter

A man went to a plastic surgeon to get work done on his penis. The doctor, curious, asked what had happened to it. "Well," the patient said, "I live in a trailer court. A gorgeous buxom creature lives in the trailer next to mine. I used to peek into her trailer and I saw that she had a habit. Each afternoon she'd take a frankfurter from her refrigerator and put it in a hole on her trailer floor. Then she'd sit on it and have a ball.""She nearly drove me crazy. So I got a bright idea. One day I got under her trailer and when she slid the frankfurter into the hole, I slid it out and slipped my penis up through the hole." "She sat down on it and everything was great until there was a knock at the door.""And then?" said the doctor. "Aw hell," the patient explained."That's when she tried to kick it under the stove."

Castration

Doctor , I would like to be castrated ! Are you sure about that ? Oh yes , I want to be castrated ! The surgery goes well and the Doctor tells him so . He also notes that the patient has not been circumcised and he says . Thats the word !

Thinking is hard work.

Thinking is hard work. One can't bear burdens and ideas at the same time.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no...

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs on your wall?

- Art

The Top 13 Signs You're Going To Spend the Rest Of Your Life Single (Part II)

13. The last time *you* got a piece of ass was due to some sub-standard toilet paper.

12. Instead of "Occupant", your junk mail is addressed to "Loser."

11. It may be an attention-getter, but no guy wants a girlfriend who looks exactly like Dustin Hoffman.

10. Snatching a grape off a block of ice with your buttcheeks may have had the whole frat house laughing back in college, but it doesn't seem to be much of a hit with your date here at Starbucks.

9. You're ALREADY in line for "Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace."

8. Your HMO has ruled your vasectomy falls under the category of "unnecessary surgery."

7. Three words: rm weiner tattoo

6. Numbers 12 through 9 on this list made you sigh, number 8 made your eye twitch, and by now you're bawling like crazy.

5. You know that 1% of men for whom Viagra *doesn't* work? Bingo.

4. Nights are so lonely that you watch "Nightline" in hopes of catching a wisp of Madeline Albright's thigh.

3. Even after years of therapy, you still wear your "cheese pants" because "chicks dig 'em."

2. No woman can ever seem to make you feel as *alive* as you felt at the TrekMania '74 convention.

1. Once you've had the President, no other man will do.

[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]

[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]

Why We Love Kids

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later,
"Da-ad..." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of
water?" "No. You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes
later... "Da-aaad...." "What??" "I'm Thirsty!Can I have a drink
of water?" "I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank
you!" Five minutes later......"DAAAA-AAAAD......" "WHAT!!" "When
you come in to spank me...can you bring a drink of water?"

********************

One summer evening, during a violent thunderstorm, a mother was
tucking a small boy into bed. As she was about to turn off the
light he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you
sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a
reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said " I have to sleep in
Daddy;s room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky
little voice: "The big sissy."

********************

During the Sunday morning service all the children were invited
to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly
pretty dress, and as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and
said "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?" The
little girl replied, directly into the pastors clip-on
microphone, "Yes, and my mommy says it's a bitch to iron."

********************

Finding one of her students making faces at the others on the
playground, Mrs. Smith stopped quickly to reprove the child.
Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I
was told tha if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and it would
stay like that." Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Mrs. Smith,
you can't say you weren't warned."